Plumb Maximum

Guten Abend!

My scattered discipline to blogging has resulted in a build up of photos. Commence the sweet mother cake of blog posts.

*Act I, Scene I*

As I was trying to dig my way out, this man opened a gate and started to install the telephone wire to god. 

God said he was torn by sadness. 

"What can we do to help?", we asked

"Articulate my sadness", he replied

No problem! We high fived and got our tools on the job...

Welcome to the Eyewear Expresso X6000, letting the inside come out - A braver better you.

So over joyed and full of tears was God, he deposited mucus all over the garden. The mucus spasmed on the ground then started to crawl, what a mess!

Chasing them down with broom sticks, we built a brick holding room 

And sealed them underground. Of course they were furious, so we installed a telephone line for them so they could talk to their proprietor. They confided happily ever after.

*Act I, Scene II*

Face the palm towards the ground, focus a small energy of chi. Mold the earth below into Oriented Strand Board, now pull up! Your palm rises from the ground pulling the board from the earth!

Get to your designated height (use a laddar if you have to)

And repeat along the perimeter

Swing the camera around...

...so you can practice your karate! This move simulates real life situations where you are attacked from behind by axe kicking monkeys and must distribute a lethal blow to the nose of a condor.

*Act I, Scene III*

Levelling. 

The first thing about levelling and framing is knowing your material.

First, approach it.

caress it

Picture what you want to achieve (i.e. the above, a perfect level)

Now show outward agression to the unlevel material!

"Bitch, I will fight you!"

The material becomes subservient and abides. Perfect Level

"Get in line!"

and a structure that is known in the trade as plumb maximum

The guy in the centre, in disbelief, is thinking one thing,

"This is plumb maximum!"

I'm thinking, "who are you and how come you've got your shoes on? Damn savage! Wait till I get to your house, I'll walk a mile in turd before stepping..."

And on that display of human kindness, I throw a confetti of warm wishes on your sleepy souls! Goodnight!

Avec lasers

You thieving swindlers! I'm kidding, I love you all so much!

There has been work, but little has changed that i can document photographically. We are now working to atomic levels of precision, nearly 2 millimetres (approximately)!

After a hard days calibration and slog, we here at Industrial Groundscape Productions like to get our disco on.

Cue the Makita SKR60, the finest indoor laser used outdoor we could buy. By throwing cement at the sun we dimmed the outdoors to indoor levels of light - not just so we could see the laser, but to create a mood of intimacy with our work. 

If the mood is set correctly (150bpm), mother nature reveals one of her most wonderful sights, the Rave-Ant.

March your little glow stick feet, unce unce unce...

Copains of the world, the quilted sky pins you all the same. Sleep safely!

On with the show!

Hello and friendships!

Thus far in the story, our concrete slab has been laid. 

Unfortunately, no photos were taken of the concrete pour which is a shame as my dear bloggers will never share the chaos, misdirection and farcical team leadership (your welcome, guys!) with which Studio Field View Visionaries delivered. I wept with pride/pain. On with the show!

Soleplate joinery: Notice the wisps of grass and strips of packing timber? When placed together, the hard structure of timber and soft structure of grass rub shoulders, their fingers touch then seduce each other in a fierce pleasure dance of passion. We watched this for hours before deciding to glue the joints together!

Above: We wanted to see if a tape measure could beat a snail in a race. We waited for hours till we realised we needed a snail to race it! What a shame, we were so excited and studiously patient.

Any expert working with materials knows that your material speaks to you. By linking my retina to a digital camera you good people of the internets can enjoy this exclusive vantage point and professional reading

Why's that broom over...?

...touchdown! Fooled you all, I win! 

Have a wonderful weekend, be triumphant my good spirits!

Soldiers, retreat!

Whilst waiting for concrete to hit Maximum Strength, I spent 2 days balancing my chakras on this farm.

They have a beautiful orchard of apple trees

A kind pony

A unique choice of accommodation (i chose to be an innovator and went with a tent)

I strolled around the estuary town of Maldon and saw these great wildlife guide descriptions

I know which one I am.

Nothing makes me happier than peeing in another man's boat.

You can't be on guard all the time, mister. One day you'll slip and I'll be there like an urban cat; territorial, spine arched for projection, flowing proudly under moonbeam.

(I likes the rope work)

I pitched up here. I win.

Zen ist so geil

The above example shows a man being a regular hazey daze on the compact plate.

This is the technique we here at Solar Lexus Landscaping excel at delivering; low centre of gravity sweeping. Comes equipped with variable forearm strength.

Zen raking

Some doughnuts on the Belle Plate Compactor FCLX 320 (<yes, say it again. Slower. Softer. Das is so geil)

Now the sand box is ready for one giant mountain tiger turd. 

Wish you a good evening, freunde!

Giant Cookie Cutter

To bake something the size of your garden, you're gonna need a lot of ingredients. Sounds like a lot of work right? Wrong

We here at Team Spiritual High Five utilise a technique that marries erect spine posture with witchcraft.

The barrows are imbued with our spiritual energy (trained through a daily regime of disco, non contact karate and atmospheric vocal harmonisation). 

The spiritual energy is so intense that the barrows whizz along collecting wet concrete from building suppliers across the UK depositing it in our trench. That's the concrete done!

After a morning of intense disco and rice, it's time to tackle the oversite. By focussing our mental powers (and erect postures), we increased the size of the barrow. 

Of course, having a strong body with a strong mind is essential to our advanced building techniques. 

That's why I had my new set of weights delivered.

You might think with our pure minds, pure bodies and the power of disco we're above peeing on the site. Wrong. Besides, as a rule I never flush.

Oh, these are the stakes we throw at people in the street to practice our non contact karate!! We never get hit!

Look closer

hiya freunde!

i'm a digger digger digger

Step 1: Laying out

Utilising Pythagoras' theorem and some string, try and make it as complicated as possible. 

Step 2:

Soak the lawn to a mud caked consistency.

Tie concrete blocks to your shoes and jump from a tall neighbouring building on to your line. Hopefully with enough force, you should sink into the ground and acquire a clean excavated trench as above. 

Step 3:

Repeat until all lines have been thoroughly stomped, completing your layout. 

The concrete slab above is what happens when your colleague leaps with too much fun. I had to put it there to halt his enjoyment.

Step 4:

Pull up a garden chair, a glass of Orange juice from Del Monte and start penning your new book of poetry.